How to Create a Monster

Ingredients: 
One 16-month-old boy
A hard plastic bucket

Teach the young boy just ONE TIME how to use the bucket to climb on to the couch. Then watch the boy carry the bucket all around the house trying to figure out what else he can climb on.The bucket will now be his new favorite toy. Every morning he will run to his toy closet to get the bucket, dump out the Legos that it is supposed to hold, and begin his monstrous advents anew. Good luck.

On a side note, did you know that the plural of Legos is Lego? Well, it is, but it sounds so wrong that I refuse to use it.

How David beat Goliath

Once there was a boy named Elijah. He was a tiny little creature and of a very gentle nature. Elijah had a Daddy named Daddy. He was large in stature and liked to wrestle. One day Daddy was lying on the floor. Elijah came along and soon there was a wrestle taking place. Of course, Daddy was so big that everyone knew Elijah didn't stand a chance in this wrestle. It seems, however, that the people of Mesa greatly underestimated Elijah's cunning. In one swift motion Elijah used his razor sharp nails to rip a gash into Daddy's cornea. Daddy was incapacitated and Elijah arose as victor. And that is the story of how David beat Goliath.

Elijah was not very fond of Pirate Daddy. Luckily Mike only had to wear the bandage for a day. He isn't allowed to drive yet and really can't open the eye well either, and there is talk of permanent damage and possible scarring. Yes, we are documenting this to show grown-up Elijah some day. After all, that's what good parents do...right?


*Names have not been changed to preserve the authenticity of this story for all of posterity...and the good people of the Internets.